Interdependence versus Independence

In an excerpt from Gary Althen's book American Ways: A Guide for Foreigners in the US (p.40) , it states: "People from some cultures are looking for close, interdependent relationships. They value commitment to other people, and they want friendships in which there are virtually no limits to what the friends will do for each other. Americans cause immense frustration for foreigners by their apparent inability to become closely involved with other people in the way foreigners want and expect them to. Americans just don't know how to be friends, many people from other countries say. You never feel that you are free to call on them at any time or that they will help you no matter what." "Americans often seem to fear close involvement with other people. They will avoid becoming dependent on others, and they don't want others, with the possible exception of immediate family members, to be dependent on them" (p.41)

When I read these passages, I said to myself, "Maria, this is you." It might sound bad to admit that I am like the Americans above, but let me explain myself. First of all, I do have sympathy for foreigners here in the US. Having taught English as a Second Language for 10 years to foreign adults in Arizona, I have gotten to know many of my students, and many have become friends. I understand foreigners' dilemmas with American friendships. I have seen their frustration as they try to come closer to Americans, while the Americans pull farther away.

In a personal story I'd like to share, I became friends with one of my former students from the college where I was teaching. This student was trying to start a new life for herself. She was learning to live on her own and needed help with her computer, her car, starting her business, etc. She called almost every day with questions, requests for translations and advice. In the beginning, I did my best to help her every time, but after a while, I starting suggesting things she could do herself to get the information she needed. I wanted her to learn for herself. I felt that even though it was hard to become independent, it would be better for her later on. Now, she can get directions herself, find information on the Internet, call companies to ask about products and services, and many other things. I am proud of my friend and her accomplishments. And she is proud of herself because she knows how to make her life more enriched and fulfilled .

The way I see it, building your life is like making a cake. The way Americans do it is to first add the ingredients that are necessary, such as job, home, school, and then they add hobbies. Finally, Americans add 'friends', people to share in those activities. It's very 'doing' oriented living. Many foreigners, on the other hand, start their cake with the necessities, then add 'friends' and then build in hobbies and activities with these new friends. Neither way is right or wrong, just different.

Being independent can be seen as a positive thing. It allows you to do a variety of things with many different people. You meet a lot of people and learn more skills and hobbies. You can directly improve the quality of your life . However, it's a trade-off because this means you will have less time with each person. But the time you do have with each friend will become more valuable.