Contemporary American Dating

I've had several foreigners in the US ask me about male-female relationships and how to understand their complexities. So, I've decided to write a little bit about this topic.

First of all, because of the American values of independence, self-reliance, and equality, foreigners in the US who have male-female relationships need to consider several dimensions.

Friendship. In general, American men and women can become good friends without having a romantic relationship. They get to know each other like any other friends do, by sharing meals, going to movies, doing hobbies, etc. Men and women think of each other as individuals first and 'potential romantic partners' second. In the beginning, when men and women are getting to know each other, they determine whether their relationship will remain as a friendship or will further develop into a romantic relationship. If both want to be friends only, they can develop a long-term friendship.

Socializing. When new people meet, they may like each other, either as friends or as more. In this case, both American men and women might take the initiative and invite a new 'friend' out. When a man or woman wants to be 'friends', he or she will typically invite the new person out to a group event with other friends. The invitation can go something like this: "Hi Jason. Some of my friends and I are going to see a comedy show this Saturday night. If you don't have any plans, why don't you join us? It'll be fun." The invitation is typically very informal, allowing the new friend to not feel pressured to say yes and showing that the person who is inviting is not romantically interested. Note: It is perfectly fine for women to invite men to group events in the US. Just because a woman does so, does not mean she is romantically interested in the man. The same holds true for men inviting women. Another thing to note when inviting new friends is that both men and women should make sure to say that there will be other people at the event. Then there won't be the confusion of the new friend thinking it is a date invitation. When a man and woman begin to develop their friendship and establish it, they may also go out individually and spend time together talking. If they eat out together, they typically pay for their own meals. Some American men, however, find it courteous to pay for their female friends' meals.

Dating. Dating is when a man and a woman go out together by themselves for the purpose of getting to know each other more. They go out on a 'date' to learn about each other and whether the other will make a good 'romantic partner'. When a man asks a woman out, he should be sure to say that it is a 'date' or they may be some confusion. If the man has a romantic interest in the woman but is not sure if she has the same interest, he may not say the word 'date' because he is not sure. But he should make it clear to the woman that they will be going out just the two of them, without other friends. Women can also invite men on dates. Although it happens less frequently, there still are plenty of women who feel comfortable asking men on dates. The same procedure for inviting holds true. In the traditional, formal style of dating, the man picks the woman up in his car, takes her to dinner and pays for the meal. The two of them might also go to a movie or some other casual event after dinner. Because of the American belief in equality, however, some women prefer to drive or meet their date, and some also pay for their half of the meal.

Blind dates. A blind date is when two people who have never met, go out on a date, either by themselves or with another couple. When they go out with another couple, it is called double dating. Typically, two people who meet for a blind date go separately to meet each other. They typically do not go together. They meet often times at a restaurant or a cafe' where they can talk. There is no obligation for two people to like each other in a romantic way as a result of the blind date. A man and a woman simply talk and get to know each other. If there is a mutual interest on both parts, then a second date is suggested, usually by the man, but also by the woman. The second date may be more traditional, where the man picks the woman up at her home and takes her out.

Work relationships. Men and women who work together are typically friendly and respectful towards each other. In these friendships, women tend to show their independence and equality more. If a man and women who are colleagues go out, it is usually for lunch during the work day. Then the woman sometimes picks the place to eat and typically pays for her own meal. If the man and woman travel for work, it is not assumed that they have a romantic relationship. They typically will have separate hotel rooms. A friendship between colleagues can also develop outside of work. Then the rules to general friendships and dating mentioned above apply.

American dating is a topic that can further be analyzed and written about. If you have any specific questions, feel free to ask. Good luck!