Mistaken Friendship: A Foreigner's Confusion

In the range between acquaintance and best friend, there are many different levels of 'friend'. The closer we are to a person, the more we share with them. The more we share with them, the more we let them into our private life. Each culture has its own rules telling us how much we can share with people. It would make sense that if we share a lot about our family life, problems, activities, likes and dislikes, that we would feel a special friendship with another person.

Now consider this scenario:

A company team has been put together to work on a project that will last for 6 months. During this time, two people on the team, one American and one Indian, introduce themselves. During the six months, they sometimes go to dinner together after work, share hobbies and talk a lot. We can say that they 'become friends'. Well, after the project is finished, they don't talk as much and don't meet much for dinner either. They don't find the time to share hobbies anymore.

How the American interprets the situation: The American is not likely to have any bad feelings and most probably still considers the Indian to be a friend. The next time they have a chance to work on a project together, they will resume their friendship by going out to dinner again and sharing hobbies. How the Indian thinks: The Indian is likely to wonder if he or she and the American are still friends. Because they shared so much, they have gotten closer and become better friends. Are they still friends even now?

Explanation: Americans like to have friends of all kinds to share in different activities. They don't need to keep in touch so often to keep a friendship alive. Americans also like to share a lot about their personal life without becoming too private. They may share a lot with 'friends' and still not let them into their private lives. The truly private part of an American's life is shared with romantic partners, family, and a very few close, "best" friends.

This causes confusion for the foreigner who thinks, "I have shared a lot about my life, things that I consider to be private. I consider this person a close friend." The American thinks, "I typically share a lot with people I work on projects with; so we are friends, but not necessarily close friends."

What can the foreigner do in this situation? Foreigners need to accept that this is common behavior in American culture. However, not all Americans behave the same. There are some Americans who will continue a high involvement in the friendship and remain close friends even after the work project is finished. These are the friendships that the foreigner should continue to develop into close relationships. For those Americans who don't want to further develop their friendships, foreigners and Americans can still remain friends. Then it's up to the foreigner to decide how much of his or her private life to share. If you are a foreigner and you find yourself in this situation, takes some time to think about it. If you no longer feel comfortable sharing your private life, know that you CAN share less and still be friends.